In the last three weeks the most common question I’ve been asked has easily been, “Why did you move?”
I apologize for not answering your questions earlier via Instagram but I felt I needed to collect the long-winded version of my answer in a nice little blog post, so here we are.
I was living in downtown Toronto with my sister. It was actually the best living situation a girl could ask for.
I loved my apartment – seriously LOVED. I constantly said if my landlord wanted to sell it, I’d buy it in one second.
It really felt like home and it was a crash pad for friends from out of town, cousins and a late night spot when people just couldn’t make it to their own bed (real talk: they wanted to join me for late night eats or spend an asexual night in my cloud of a king size bed).
It was a welcoming, fun place. And I loved that my place got to be that place.
But as 2017 continued, I noticed that I was feeling something that I had never felt before.
Everything was just fine. Everything was just fine. I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t unhappy. I was just existing.
I know that sounds so dramatic but take a minute and close your eyes.
Think to yourself, if you’ve ever felt a moment in your life where you were just stuck.
This is how 2017 made me feel.
I was seeing all of these amazing women and men that were my peers excel left, right and center.
I was seeing friends and blog colleagues pursuing their own goals, traveling and growing in their lives.
And I personally felt surrounded by static, white noise.
I couldn’t write. I didn’t want to go out and socialize. I had gained more weight than I ever have in my life.
Everything was just blah. But ok because I could hole up in my safety net of any apartment and no one would ever have to know.
There was zero motivation to do anything because I had my job, I had food on the table and I didn’t have anyone to be accountable for except myself.
And I really just let all of things develop into a situation that left me lifeless.
It was shit. I woke up and felt like my life had no purpose anymore.
There was no change happening and I didn’t know what I wanted or who I was becoming.
Now in the past when I got into these mental states, it would really take a negative turn where I’d have to stay in bed, take my medication and have my sister amp up the positive self-talk until I could do it myself.
But this time, it was bad. And I knew if I went any further, it would get really bad.
I decided that if nothing was “changing” in my everyday life, then I would have to create a sense of change to kickstart my mind back into a state of productivity.
This thought process was at the core of my decision to move.
I had to leave this place. Although that place was such popular pillar in my day-to-day life and one that I loved so much, it also acted as an enabler for me to hide away from the world going on around me.
And perhaps if I could force myself out of that place physically, that it would set off forcing myself out of that mental state as well.
I spoke to my sister and explained the situation. It was going to make things more challenging, given that she’d need to find a new place to live or commute from our parents house in the interim as well but she was understanding and was in agreement, so we went for it.
And I’m happy to report that so far, it has really been effective.
If you follow my Insta Stories (@lexniko) then you know I have dedicated a lot of time to the art of decluttering and releasing lot of physical things that no longer positively impact my life.
I will be writing another post on decluttering and how it’s made me feel lighter in my living space but early feedback (from me, duh!) shows that it’s working. My sleep has improved, I wake up feeling less claustrophobic and generally happier to start my day.
And I truly feel like that all started with letting go. Of past spaces and things and in turn, feelings and emotions that I needed to move on from.
It’s been a month of ups and downs getting settled but I am stronger for getting through it and am starting to feel really motivated again.
If you couldn’t tell, I’ve been posting on the blog WAY MORE frequently and my mind has been a waterfall of topics and ideas I’m itching to cover.
It’s really all starting to fall in to place and I owe it all to this risk of shaking up the status quo and understanding that the only change I can control starts with me and my decisions.
So that’s that – hopefully I answered your question and if you’re still reading here’s some added bonus for you…
The follow up question to the Why was always, “Where did you move?” and the answer is nowhere really.
I brought all of my things to my parents house and have been living with them because it was the holidays and in the interim it just made sense.
They are so close to the city, commuting is not a problem and as I mentioned above and in my first 2018 post, I need a time out.
And that in every sense of the term is what I am currently doing in my life.
There was no place I was vying to go that I felt it was immediately necessary to move to a new spot. I know the neighbourhood I love and that I want my own space, but I am not rushing myself or the decision and am so lucky that I don’t have to given that I can so easily have a roof over my head in the mean time.
I am grateful that my parents have been so welcoming and I recognize how #blessed I am to have the luxury of not rushing any decisions.
I needed a time out. I cannot stress enough that this moment in my life is a LUXURY and that putting pause on my life for a hot minute, to reconnect with myself and take a step back from the hustle and bustle of everyday life is not something that everyone gets to do.
But I needed this and I have worked so hard for so long that I have no guilt in taking this time.
It’s hasn’t been easy for me – to not feel guilty – but it’s been a beautiful feeling to learn to lift pressure off yourself, especially when you’ve gone through years of being your hardest critic and defining your worth on other people’s terms.
I cannot express how much of a struggle this has been to simply GTFO of my own head.
It’s something I will continue to work on this year and essentially learn to take back my own life.
I am here for it, and ready for it, so thank you for being patient with me and I hope today’s post answered some questions for you.
And when I do find a place to move into, I promise that you’ll be the first ones to know and then we can have some real fun with decorating and design!
Thank you as always for listening and for the community we’ve built here.
Just the fact that I’ve had to fend off questions because you genuinely care and are curious lets me know that we have something very special.
We’re only getting started, x.